November 22, 2022 at 7:00 AM
Yeah, that's it. That's my achievement. I've always struggled with making phone calls but I've been getting better at it.
there's more to itSpoiler
Well, I have a lot more to be proud of myself for. Woe is me, but my life has been awful. I tried to escape the hell I was stuck in but my head remained there. This past year and a half has been brutal for me. Self destructive behaviors getting the best of me, psychosis shattered my mind, severe health decline, panic disorder making things harder and harder, running out of money, etc. I lost the little ability to function that I had. The hole kept on getting deeper and I kept sabotaging myself to a route of death. I never thought I'd make it this far.
For many years, I fantasized about drowning. Tying something heavy to myself and being dragged into the ocean. Being unable to stop what I've started. The water becoming colder and the light fading. Enduring my diet hell as I await the sweet release of unconsciousness, ceasing to exist. Suicide isn't an escape though; it's dying in misery.
I realized I've been essentially drowning but I'm trying to fight it and swim. During the past months, I've made significant progress with my mental health by myself. Actually piecing together what's wrong, identifying the roots of it, how it affects me, how it thrives, and figuring out how to combat it. I don't want to die anymore. I truly want to have a future with my loved ones. I've learned to love myself and let go of past failures. I don't feel pessimistic 24/7 anymore. I have nearly lost everything but I'm not going down without a fight.
I've been taught a lesson of it's always the opposite of what I seek. I've chased dreams of seeking ways of helping myself become functional but they were futile. I've learned that I can't seek help in others as they'll leave me to die. I've ran out of time and adopted another route at the last minute. I've been making progress in becoming independent by myself despite how scary it is. I may no longer have a home address, dealing with ministrokes, etc. but I'm doing better. Panic be damned, I've been able to go outside and do things, being able to do as the title says, and more as I have cracked the code to healthily exposing to treat myself.
So yeah, I'd consider this an achievement. I had an unprovoked ministroke tonight but I've been fully sober the past week. I don't do drugs anymore. I mean, I'm at a point where it isn't optional and I'll literally die if I were to relapse, but I don't need them anymore. I'm capable of doing this by myself. Other than the ministroke part though. I intend to seek proper help from a good hospital in the near future. Hopefully this time they'll take me seriously. I may be capable of a lot but being your own doctor sucks.
I love you all. Thank you for your friendship and support through my time of using this forum. I don't really use it much anymore and I'm sorry that I deleted almost all my posts but they don't really reflect me anymore. I know I'll eventually be posting actively again but for now I need more time to recover.
For many years, I fantasized about drowning. Tying something heavy to myself and being dragged into the ocean. Being unable to stop what I've started. The water becoming colder and the light fading. Enduring my diet hell as I await the sweet release of unconsciousness, ceasing to exist. Suicide isn't an escape though; it's dying in misery.
I realized I've been essentially drowning but I'm trying to fight it and swim. During the past months, I've made significant progress with my mental health by myself. Actually piecing together what's wrong, identifying the roots of it, how it affects me, how it thrives, and figuring out how to combat it. I don't want to die anymore. I truly want to have a future with my loved ones. I've learned to love myself and let go of past failures. I don't feel pessimistic 24/7 anymore. I have nearly lost everything but I'm not going down without a fight.
I've been taught a lesson of it's always the opposite of what I seek. I've chased dreams of seeking ways of helping myself become functional but they were futile. I've learned that I can't seek help in others as they'll leave me to die. I've ran out of time and adopted another route at the last minute. I've been making progress in becoming independent by myself despite how scary it is. I may no longer have a home address, dealing with ministrokes, etc. but I'm doing better. Panic be damned, I've been able to go outside and do things, being able to do as the title says, and more as I have cracked the code to healthily exposing to treat myself.
So yeah, I'd consider this an achievement. I had an unprovoked ministroke tonight but I've been fully sober the past week. I don't do drugs anymore. I mean, I'm at a point where it isn't optional and I'll literally die if I were to relapse, but I don't need them anymore. I'm capable of doing this by myself. Other than the ministroke part though. I intend to seek proper help from a good hospital in the near future. Hopefully this time they'll take me seriously. I may be capable of a lot but being your own doctor sucks.
I love you all. Thank you for your friendship and support through my time of using this forum. I don't really use it much anymore and I'm sorry that I deleted almost all my posts but they don't really reflect me anymore. I know I'll eventually be posting actively again but for now I need more time to recover.
I hope everything gets better from here :3
